Let’s face it – if life were a stand-up comedy special, it would be that weird 2AM slot where half the audience is drunk and the other half is questioning their life choices. Between our bodies’ bizarre design flaws and society’s unspoken rules that nobody actually agreed to, existence is basically an improv show where all the suggestions came from a sleep-deprived college student.
1. The Human Body: Nature’s First Draft
• Our knees develop the acoustic properties of bubble wrap by age 25
• We can remember every embarrassing moment from 2007 but forget why we opened the fridge
• The appendix: evolution’s participation trophy
• Blushing – the only emotion that comes with its own built-in embarrassment amplifier
Fun fact: Scientists estimate the average person spends 6 months of their life waiting at red lights, which explains why road rage was invented.
2. Technology: Our Expensive Abusive Relationship
• Our phones can recognize our face but autocorrect still thinks we’re “ducking” excited
• We invented self-driving cars before self-cleaning houses (priorities!)
• The “forgot password” button remains the most clicked feature in human history
• Printers can smell fear and choose violence accordingly
3. Society’s Secret Rulebook Nobody Got
• The “nod up” for acquaintances vs “nod down” for strangers (it’s like Morse code for “I acknowledge your existence”)
• Saying “you too” when the waiter says “enjoy your meal” (instant karma for not paying attention)
• Pretending to understand modern art (it’s just shapes, Karen)
• Headphones in = “Talk to me and die” in every language
4. The Five Stages of Every Work Email
- “I’ll keep it professional” (lie)
- “Best regards” (bigger lie)
- Adding then removing then re-adding exclamation points
- Spending 20 minutes on a 2-sentence reply
- Sending it then immediately seeing a typo
5. Why We Haven’t Demanded a Refund Yet
Because sometimes:
• That first sip of coffee hits just right
• You find money in old jeans (adult treasure hunt)
• Your pet looks at you like you’re the most interesting person alive
• You hear a song that instantly transports you to better times
Life Pro Tips From Someone Who Definitely Doesn’t Have It Together:
• Fake confidence until it becomes real (this works for everything from job interviews to assembling IKEA furniture)
• Keep snacks everywhere – hanger is the real pandemic
• Laugh at yourself first – it ruins the joke for everyone else
• Remember: Nobody actually knows what they’re doing (especially adults)
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to Google “why do my ankles sound like popcorn” at 3AM.