Let’s face it—finance is like a magic show where the magician keeps forgetting the tricks. We pretend to understand compound interest, nod along to stock market jargon, and act like we know what “liquidity” means. But deep down, most of us are just hoping our money doesn’t vanish overnight. Here’s the unfiltered, absurd, and surprisingly relatable truth about finance.
1. The Stock Market: A Casino Where Everyone Claims to Be a Genius
The stock market is basically adult gambling, except instead of poker chips, we use terms like “bullish” and “bearish” to sound smart.
- Day Traders: The financial equivalent of people who think they can beat the house in Vegas. Spoiler: They can’t.
- ”Long-Term Investor”: A fancy way of saying, “I bought high, now I’m waiting for it to recover.”
- Bitcoin Bros: The guys who went from “financial revolution” to “please, just let me break even” in six months.
Fun Fact: 90% of people who say they “timed the market” are lying. The other 10% are lying better.
2. Credit Scores: The Adult Report Card Nobody Prepared Us For
Your credit score is like a popularity contest you didn’t know you were in—except instead of high school drama, you get rejected for a car loan.
- 750+ Score: “I pay my bills on time and never miss a payment.”
- 650 Score: “I once forgot my Netflix subscription was still active.”
- Below 600: “I may or may not have a warrant out for my financial decisions.”
Pro Tip: If your credit card company calls you “valued customer,” you’re probably in debt.
3. Budgeting: The Financial Diet We All Cheat On
We start every month with a beautiful spreadsheet, only to abandon it by Week 2 when we realize avocado toast is non-negotiable.
- Planned Budget: 50% savings, 30% necessities, 20% fun.
- Actual Budget: 5% savings, 95% “Wait, where did my paycheck go?”
- Emergency Fund: That thing you raid when there’s a Steam sale.
Harsh Truth: “I’ll start saving next month” is the financial version of “I’ll start my diet on Monday.”
4. Cryptocurrency: The Get-Rich-Quick Scheme That Got Complicated
Crypto was supposed to make us all millionaires. Instead, it gave us:
- NFTs: Digital art that lost 95% of its value faster than a banana taped to a wall.
- Dogecoin: Started as a joke, became a religion, then went back to being a joke.
- Blockchain Bros: Still explaining how “this time it’s different” after the fifth market crash.
Lesson Learned: If your investment strategy involves Elon Musk tweets, maybe rethink your life choices.
5. Banks: The Ultimate Frenemy
Banks are like that friend who lends you money but charges you for the privilege.
- ”Free Checking Account”: Comes with 17 hidden fees, including a “breathing fee” if you look at your balance wrong.
- Overdraft Protection: A $35 “oopsie” fee disguised as a service.
- Loan Officers: The only people who act happy when you’re in debt.
Bank Logic: “You don’t have enough money for a loan? Here’s a higher-interest credit card instead!”
6. Financial Advisors: The People Who Get Paid to Tell You What You Already Know
- Their Advice: “Diversify your portfolio!”
- Your Portfolio: $12 in Bitcoin, a Robinhood account, and a 401(k) you forgot about.
- Their Fee: 1% of your money to say, “Maybe don’t YOLO your life savings on meme stocks.”
Alternative Advisor: Your uncle who “made a killing in the ’08 crash” (he didn’t).
7. Retirement Planning: The Scariest Horror Story of Adulthood
- 20s: “I’ll start saving when I’m 30.”
- 30s: “Okay, maybe 40.”
- 40s: Panicked Googling “Can I retire on $3.50 and a dream?”
Retirement Reality: If you’re not a billionaire by 65, you’re either working at Walmart or living in a van.
Conclusion: Money Makes No Sense, So Just Laugh About It
Finance is a circus, and we’re all just trying not to be the clown. Whether you’re a day trader, a crypto bro, or someone who still uses checks (bless you), the best financial advice is this:
- Don’t take it too seriously (the market sure doesn’t).
- Save when you can (but also enjoy that latte).
- Ignore anyone who says they have a “surefire” investment strategy (they’re probably selling something).
And remember—if all else fails, you can always print your own money. (Disclaimer: Don’t actually do that.)